Studies have shown that some parent behaviors such as drug usage, overprotection, criticism, neglect, inconsistency, conditional love, comparing and lack of praise can lead to insecure children.
Bronson started his first few years of life in a home with parents struggling with alcohol addiction. When he was just an infant, his parents would sometimes leave him at home alone with his toddler brother. When Bronson was two years old, he and his brother were adopted by a loving couple who had always dreamed of having kids.
Though the boys had a loving, supportive home life as they grew older, Bronson struggled with the fears of abandonment and neglect. Although he wouldn’t be able to label his dark feelings were because of that, he felt unlovable, very anxious and he developed perfectionist tendencies. When things didn’t go as he planned, he would show vicious temper tantrums.
There is no question that because of his early life with alcoholic parents, and the level of emotional and physical neglect that comes with that, Bronson had some deep insecurities.
Our first parent behavior that leads to insecure children is substance abuse.
Other parental behaviors that can lead to insecure children and sometimes difficult to notice within ourselves are:
2. Overprotection and controlling behaviors
Parents who shield their children from life’s challenges and don’t allow them to make decisions for themselves, cause insecurity. Their children tend to have low self-confidence. These children will grow up feeling incapable of handling life’s challenges.
3. Criticism
This study shows that criticizing a child’s actions, appearance or achievements, can cause low self-esteem and fear of failure. These children may become perfectionists and develop a belief that they are never “good enough.”
4. Emotional neglect
When parents are present, but not emotionally available, children may grow up feeling unworthy of love. Kids need emotional connection to feel a sense of security.
5. Inconsistency
When parents are inconsistent with their discipline, affection and expectations, children feel insecure and unsafe. These kids may suffer from anxiety.
6. Conditional love
Parents who show love only when a child does well make children people-pleasers and look for outside validation. Kids who feel like they can never measure up to their parent’s expectations may give up entirely.
7. Comparison
Parents who compare their children to siblings and other people, cause children to feel inadequate and jealous of others. They struggle to see their own value.
8. Lack of praise
Parents who never praise their children can cause them to feel invisible and worthless. They will struggle to recognize their own accomplishments. Parent behaviors can have a real impact on a child’s level of security.
What the research says.
Studies show that parental acceptance is one of the most important predictors of confidence in teens between the ages of 13-17. When looking at the differences between controlling parents and rejecting parents, the teens who were raised by rejecting parents scored far worse than those raised by controlling parental types.
This study takes into consideration that the level of a parents’ stress impacts how a child will feel about themselves later on in life. When a parent is overly stressed, working too much or having relationship difficulties, the child will absorb it in the same manner as emotional neglect.
Even the best intentioned and most stable parents will be guilty of some of these. We are human. When we can regulate our own stress levels, it will show up in our kids. When we can be aware and mindful of our words, it will show up in our kids. When we know that our influence is loud, clear and impactful to our kids, it can motivate better behavior in ourselves. When we can recognize and address our behaviors that cause the insecurities, the sooner the positive family shifts will show up in our kids.
If you would like help finding a therapeutic program to support your own family, Schedule a no-cost discovery call with Rae Guyer, your therapeutic consultant to discuss options.
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