“I feel” statements are a foundation in communication skills. Working in the mental health field, this is often a fundamental of which clinicians use in family therapy.

I am so grateful to have learned this method of communication many years ago. I was taught this when my son went to wilderness and we still use it today. I actually just practiced it with my completely mentally healthy sister. We have different communication styles and this is our common ground helping us to not fall into misunderstandings.  

I can’t think of any relationship of which this would not help with misunderstanding, expectations and hurt feelings: Family, friends, colleagues.. I’ve even used it on myself!It’s a fast way to make positive change in a relationship. And it’s timeless.

For those of you whom don’t know and for those of you whom could use a reminder, here is the basic model:

The Speaker: 

I feel ______________  (use feeling words only, such as hurt, sad, scared, guilty, confused) when ___________________. (an event – what did you see, hear or do) I imagine I feel this way because _______________________  (your belief about the event, what do you imagine was going on for you that would explain why you are feeling the way you feel) In the future  _________________ (a request for what you would like to see for yourself and the situation, what you would want different).

The Listener reflects:

I hear you feel____________ when _________________. You imagine you feel this way because ________________. In the future, you would like _________________. 

The Listener adds: 

Did I get that correct? 

Examples of “I feel” statements: 

• I feel happy and grateful when I spend quality time with you. I imagine I feel this way because you are important to me and I enjoy connecting with you. In the future, I hope we can continue to spend time together.
• I feel sad when I don’t know what is going on in your life. I imagine I feel this way because I want to be connected to you and know what you are experiencing. In the future, I hope you will tell me what is happening in your life and I hope I can create a relationship where you want to share with me. 

General Guidelines: 

• Keep it concise and succinct; stick to one subject at a time – if they are too long they become impossible to reflect. 
• Refrain from justifying or explaining.
• Remember that “I feels” are not meant to solve a given situation but rather to provide a forum for expressing. 

You may reach Therapeutic Educational Consulting here for a complimentary discovery call.

© Therapeutic Educational Consulting