Parent Guide: Supporting Your Child's Gender Transition

Parent Guide: Supporting Your Child’s Gender Transition

Whether you agree with your child’s gender transition or not, how you as a parent handle this information is a critical time.

Your child comes to you one day and says, “Hey, can I talk to you alone about something?” You of course agree, and feel worried about the troubling look that your son or daughter’s face is showing.

Your child sits down, fidgeting with the blanket at the foot of his bed. You can tell something important is about to be shared with you. Your biologically born son shares with you that he thinks he was born in the wrong body. He thinks he is meant to be a girl. (Or your biologically born daughter, thinks she is meant to be a boy.)

This is a critical moment. Whether you agree with your child gender transitioning to another gender or not, how you handle the next part of this conversation will determine whether your child believes that you truly value him/her as a person.

What does it mean to transition genders?

Typically, transitioning genders means a change in clothing, appearance, lifestyle, pronouns, names and possibly even pursuing hormone therapy or surgery. Kids who have gender dysphoria; when the gender identity does not align with his/her sex at birth, experience a lot of distress and feel uncomfortable in their own skin.

What is my role as a parent in gender transition?

Just like any major life event, your role as a parent is to lovingly support your child. That’s not to say that you should go against your beliefs and immediately agree to the changes. This is a time for research, deep inner work and guidance from experts in pediatric endocrinology and professional therapists.

You will want several opinions on gender transition, and to research the risks, benefits and irreversible consequences of some of the changes and treatments available. You will want educated and experienced physicians and psychotherapists to give facts. In addition, your child will want to learn the best ways to go forward in order to feel comfortable in his or her skin.

How Do I Respond To My Child on gender transition?

As mentioned, your immediate response is critical. First, reassure your child that you love her unconditionally. Then, try one or more of these responses that would let her know that you are not dismissing her, and to show that you take her feelings seriously.

Ask a lot of questions. There is no need to give your opinions at this time. This will let your child know that you see and hear him. You want him to feel safe with coming to you in the future. “When did you begin feeling this way?” “What made you believe you were living as the wrong gender?” Encourage specific details. These questions will demonstrate that you are listening and you care. In addition, it will help him verbalize what he’ll eventually share with experts and other loved ones.
Before giving your personal opinions, say something similar to; “I see that this is causing you a lot of stress. I’d like to do some research and then I’ll get back to you.” or “I’d like for us to talk to some professionals to know that we are going about this in the healthiest ways.” Do the research and take the time – your child is worth it.
Hopefully you do the research on gender transition and meet with professionals with your child. If you end up having concerns, it’s best to bring them up to your child after you have done the research and spoken to the experts.
Do extensive research before you hire a therapist or any other professional because some “experts” are people to. They will have their own biases. You want a serious professional that will take your child seriously. It’s important for you, your spouse and your child to take things slowly; to understand all consequences and details about gender transition.

What if I already blew up, and gave a negative response?

If you already blew up and gave your child a negative response when he came to you in confidence, it’s not too late to make amends. I’m sure she will appreciate at any time that you go back, apologize and redo the responses and expectations. It might take some more positive responses and listening skills to get him to trust you again with this matter, but it will happen, if he feels emotionally safe.

How do I protect my child from unsupportive people?

It’s important to set boundaries with anyone who makes your child feel uncomfortable for their identity choices. Provide educational resources for any skeptical family members and find supportive communities for your child in which to participate.

Strong Family Alliance – This site has guides for parents, as well as shared personal stories.

American Psychological Association – This site provides resources for schools, anti-bullying strategies, and resources for anxiety and depression for parents and their kids who want to transition.

Laws regarding gender transition differ depending on your location.

The laws in different states and countries vary wildly. Before you help your child make any transitioning decisions, check the laws in your state. You’ll want to be aware of school policies, name changing laws and any gender-affirming care laws.

He or she is still your child.

No matter what the ultimate decision is, your child has not stopped being your child. Studies show that kids who receive support and care during their gender transition, have much better mental and physical health. Every journey is different, however every person confused about their identity needs love and support.

At Therapeutic Educational Consulting, we are advocates for your kids through all kinds of therapeutic answers. Schedule a no-cost discovery call with Rae Guyer, your therapeutic consultant to discuss options.

Image by Anne-Marie Miller